Divorce Process and Recovery
Before divorce…
Something has to change.
You aren’t sure what to do. At this point in your marriage, you’re almost numb.
You’ve told yourself that things can change – that they’ll get better. But it just isn’t happening.
You know you’re at a crossroads. You have a choice to make: Either take a different path or resign yourself to the fact that this might be as good as it gets.
The back and forth when thinking about “the d-word”…
One day you’re sure that divorce is the answer. And the next, you feel hopeful that things will get better.
After all, not all of your current life is bad – there are parts of it you love and would be sad to lose.
But is the bad part worse than the good you could lose?
How do you decide if divorce is necessary?
How do you know if it would make your life better or worse in the long run?
There are so many questions flooding your mind…
Will you regret it later?
How will it affect your children and your relationship with them?
How ugly could the divorce get?
How will your spouse react?
How much money will you have to spend, and how much money will you lose?
How will your family and friends react?
How does divorce align with your faith and belief system?
You don’t have to navigate through this process alone.
Together, we can explore your options and get to the root of what causes you to feel discontent in your marriage.
We can talk about how to improve your marriage, and/or we can look at the pros and cons of divorce.
At this stage, the important thing is being honest with yourself about your marriage and openly processing your concerns, doubts, and fears.
For example, is your marriage truly the root problem, or do your misery and discontent come from something else? Something deeper within yourself that will follow you, whether you are married or divorced?
I can help you look for blind spots in your thinking and point out areas you may need to explore further.
During divorce…
You are tired, hurt, and guarded.
SO guarded!
It is incredibly exhausting to watch your back all the time. You may feel jumpy and on edge, wondering whom you can really trust.
You just want things to be over, but you have to stay the course and make smart decisions for yourself and your kids.
Your spouse’s choices have probably caught you off guard, and you may feel hurt that you aren’t being treated fairly. You might even find yourself bordering on mild paranoia.
Is someone watching you?
Are things truly as they seem?
Is someone trying to turn your children against you?
There’s only one focus, and that’s moving forward…
You are hurting, but you don’t have time to let the feelings wash over you before the next wave hits. You know that you have to keep moving forward.
Every time you think things are almost wrapped up and finalized, something else comes up. It feels like it will never be over.
You’re caught between grieving over what has been lost and staying hopeful of the new life that lies ahead.
Surely it will be worth it in the end?
If this is where you are when you begin therapy…
This is likely uncharted territory for you, and having a time and place to talk through the unexpected hurts and stressors can help keep you steady and balanced as you walk through this process.
You will probably be very tired, both physically and emotionally. Therapy can be an oasis for you – a reprieve and a safe place to let your guard down and speak honestly without fear of having your words twisted and used against you.
When you get exhausted amid the divorce, it is easy to want to give up and stop fighting for what is important to you. You just want it to be over, and even if that means compromising what you want most, you may decide to give up – so that you can rest.
But you’ll likely regret it. The rest will be temporary, but then you’ll be left with regret that you traded something precious for a break… no matter how much the break was warranted.
I can help you stay the course while showing you how to take care of yourself so that you don’t end up exhausted and making permanent decisions for a fleeting sense of peace.
We will talk about the twists, turns, and pitfalls you face daily through the divorce process. The divorce process can be like a marathon. I can help you pace yourself to don’t burn out early on in the race.
After divorce…
It’s just you now.
And all the feelings you didn’t have time to explore earlier are now washing over you: anger, hurt, resentment, sadness, and so much loss.
This isn’t how it was supposed to be. But here you are.
Everything is different now, and you’re also different. You aren’t the same person you were before. As you rebuild your life, you alternate feeling hopeful about the future and sad about the past.
It’s about learning a new way of life…
You might be adjusting to not having your children with you all the time. You miss them, and you worry about how they are adjusting to all the changes forced upon them.
You are also learning how to co-parent with your ex and realizing that your children will have experiences with your ex that you aren’t part of.
You may see your ex dating, and you may find yourself trying to decide when or if you should start back yourself. How soon is too soon? How is dating today different from how it used to be? How will dating affect your kids?
Therapy is a place where you can heal and be vulnerable.
Whether we’ve been meeting or you’re just starting therapy at this stage, this is usually the best time to stop and examine where you’ve been, where you are now, and where you want to be in the future. Hopefully, the intense pressure you’ve been under has lifted a bit, and you have time to reflect on what you’ve been through, identify and grieve what has been lost, address the likely changes that lie ahead, and make a plan for your future.
While it will be important for us to continue working through your current problems and stressors, it might also be a good time to work on a timeline, charting your highs and lows throughout your life, so that you can see how you got to where you are now. Why did you choose your spouse? Were there red flags that you ignored? What needs were you trying to meet that could have affected your decision-making along the way?
Before you get back into the swing of your life and become busy with all sorts of activities, it is wise to stop and give yourself time to reflect and heal. It isn’t always comfortable nor what you want to do, but allowing yourself time to grieve, reflect, and examine your decisions can make the difference between repeating the same patterns or charting a new course for your life.
If you try to fast forward through the healing, ignore the wrongs that were done to you, or deny your role in the outcome of your life, you can end up cynical, jaded, very angry, bitter, and stuck. Divorce is painful and can rip apart your soul if you let it. There are no shortcuts in the healing process. Facing the pain, examining yourself, and taking responsibility for your life and choices are the only way forward.
I can help you deal with the aftermath of your divorce by helping you grieve what was lost through talk therapy and journaling. We’ll create a timeline to see what affected your choices and thinking, establish new goals to change the trajectory of your life, and learn how to adjust and adapt to your new life as a single individual and parent.
There are normal ups and downs with divorce, but…
There are also complex situations that can exacerbate your pain and make your life and recovery extremely challenging.
These situations include recovering from infidelity or serial infidelity, narcissistic or abusive treatment, parental alienation, custody battles, or complex litigation.
All of these circumstances can keep your life under tremendous stress, and they can result in depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation, suicidal ideations, fractured relationships, and complex grief.
If you face one of these issues, therapy is a must. Each of these situations includes the ups and downs of a normal divorce process. They also carry a tremendous amount of additional stress as you deal with real or perceived threats, covert manipulation and gaslighting, fear of losing your children, and mind games that induce panic, rob you of your sleep, and even make you question your sanity.
Depending upon your situation, therapy will involve using cognitive-behavioral techniques to identify and correct irrational or faulty thinking resulting from the complex stressor you are facing.
For example, if you are in a divorce process with a narcissistic spouse, then you may find yourself believing the lie that the divorce is all your fault and that your children are better off without you. Therapy would involve identifying the lies and how they have shaped your decisions and beliefs about yourself. Then, we would replace the lies with the truth about what you are accepting that is not your own.
Each of the above complex situations involves examining the source of your stress, identifying where your thinking has been compromised or distorted, discovering the reality and truth, and detaching from the old ways of thinking and behaving. We’ll then implement new behaviors and practices to keep yourself emotionally healthy, and finally, establish boundaries to protect yourself from falling into the same patterns that left you vulnerable to the toxic situation in the first place.
Now is the time to start healing.
Whether you’re considering divorce, in the midst of one, or dealing with its aftermath, one thing is certain: You need support and a safe place to process these experiences.
Divorce can be very painful and messy, but I can help you navigate the terrain.
If you deal with the pain as it comes, take responsibility for your actions and choices, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and work to rebuild a new life of hope and purpose, then…
You CAN get through this!
Start today by scheduling your initial consultation: (972) 727-0044.